Muhammad Survives Satirical Staffers

A pair of angered publication penchants

Images of might and majesty

Inspired receivers of divine revelation only imparted

To these few, unique prophets

Yahweh had given them His spirit through baptism,

our short study decimated the uncowed

 

Upped bidding on eBay editions

Top cartoonists ran “Je Suis Charlie” with the caption

“Tout est pardonne” offering forgiveness

 

I am now “financially independent,” given $7,000 per year

Starting from zero, we assume 6% return

A retirement fund that covers conservative investing

 

“It is we who forgive, not Muhummad”

L'Assemblée nationale rend hommage aux 17 victimes

Killed in the attack, Charb pictured his fist aloft

Forgot to Feed the Cat

As apocalypse authorities worried about zombies

Artificial intelligence like Skynet

They worried about the evil in the world

They had moved to live off the grid

In a veteran RV like third-generation ranchers

They wrote letters to an inmate who slayed in the name

Of God under the banner of Heaven

With a literary reputation conducted at the outer limits

His focus shifted to isolated communities of fundamentalists

Polygamy in civil establishment, Taliban theocracies and zealots

 

In September, in a locked bedroom, all five in the family

Tucked into bed and concluded their probe

Died from drug toxicity - methadone, heroin, pseudoephedrine

Used in the treatment of mental congestion

 

They left a goodbye letter, a to-do list,

And a common question: whose turn is it?

Disjointed

Suicide of a transgender teen pleading

Fix society before walking

The path of a truck struck someone remembering

 

The woman in the portrait, a spirited young American

Full of energy, enthusiasm, determination

My body, able to make a gender violence campaign

 

Fall victim to crimes at school incidents

Involve crash for cash motor incidents

Involve an induced weather bomb

According to occur when the disturbance happened

 

Closed early Saturday evening

Workers gave disputed accounts

When Michael Brown met Officer Wilson

A grand jury announced “not inclined to indict”

At a press conference, Nixon called for “peace, respect and restraint”

 

In a joint, County Executive Dooley instigated public safety

Commonly Consumed

We re-released propaganda

Urging murder, serious rampages in Paris.

Police killed three Islamists before they

Paralyzed hostages, killed innocents.

 

In recent years, we explained ideas well.

We included examples, concrete, practical

Comprehensible theories. Look at people

Who need to believe. No one can physically touch

God. Science cannot prove existence.

 

Doubt is even less likely to visit Moscow.

Russia’s decision, one of the myriad reasons,

Published a decree. We now ban descriptions.

A retaliatory tool publicly opposes dubious activities.

 

I’d like to say a few words. We made a commitment to

Reduce food commonly consumed by children.

Including fruit juices, canned fruit and fruit byproducts.

Chinese Vendors

Recovery from rigorous exercise

Depletes fluid that cushions and lubricates.

Connective tissue is clinically proven

To replenish rapid stiffness.

 

I am trying to run, but I expire in 7 days.

I have professional permission to lock my account.

My library is empty. This happened magically.

 

How can I change? How did this happen?

Many questions, happy weeks and ideas make me wonder.

I want to produce on a massive scale

Sell “maybe” like a craft beer. It doesn’t hurt to be

More tasty and popular.

 

Rolling back thousands of recipes with

Millions of lovable customers, I now demand

Indian cuisine revolving around North America.

Chinese vendors on the streets garner quick recipes.

A Military Man's Suicide

She wished upon her wedding ring

Cast it out into the waves

Stood on the beach, her feet sinking in sand

Her fingers numb

She counted down the days since they found him

Belly up in the brink

And the anger bubbling up in her stomach

An ache like hunger rising

 

She had faded, become a part of his skin

A cast-off flake, forgotten

Laying naked on the bed linens

Maybe she had missed him

Mostly she forgot

The days rolled together, alone

And when he returned it was to an empty bed

 

She saw the woman, a civilian,

Long ridiculous hair and bangles on her wrists

A swinging skirt, barefoot, her hips

Stretching like a smile and dark eyes

That swallowed him

 

It was January 11, a Sunday,

When she reported him missing

She wanted to dig

But her muscles failed her

Instead, she pushed him over the edge of the

Tallest bridge

Every Size but Mine

He argued about the proper way to argue

Ran his hand along the grooves

Where she flung plates at his face

Relished the place where her blood stained carpet

She haunted his apartment

Every memory of this girl I had never met

Followed me like a shadow

 

Somehow I thought I could replace her shape

That I could fill in the lines she had drawn

Color his world with crayons

But even when she went missing

There was little room for me

 

There were others

 

Other mechanical movements

Pieces and parts he wanted to fit into

Rub against, brush past

Somehow I thought our connection

Could stretch, could bend, could fill his hollows

But it was never enough

 

We opened up to other lovers

Shared our bedroom, shared our moments

Left nothing secret or sacred

At first, I flung myself at any person, any form

That would make me awaken

I felt freedom in breaking apart women’s legs, sipping them

Unhinging men’s pants, slipping down their hems

Searching for a rhythm in a movement so incongruent

To any relationship I had ever been in

 

But when they left

When the only ones left

Were me and him

Staring at each other across the couch

 

I felt imprisoned

Runaway Kentucky

On a Florida beach, he watched young swimmers.

Urged them to reveal, instructed them to spend

Another tax hike from the highlight reel.

 

President Obama loomed into his final two

Midterms. Republican victories gave hopefuls

A surge of bids and impractical jokers.

 

With an iron rod through his head,

A man calmly surveyed four thieves breaking

A married couple’s residence.

 

Trails of light, sightings, flying saucers

Poured over declassified documents

After decades of alleged UFO and extraterrestrial

Sightings, free and alternative.

 

Choose a template suitable for advanced users.

A New York rabbi died Sunday morning,

Blamed on freezing rain, a Muslim in Dresden.

 

Local police confirmed two battalions of

Russian soldiers crossed the border.

Pro-Moscow rebels battled an anti-terrorist operation.

 

Yemen’s minister attempted clashes

Near the presidential palace, fired on the motorcade,

Driving him into hiding.

 

An airport director’s private jet claimed Payne.

A Pickup Truck, Abandoned

Stretched into a new state

Tremendously diverse dichotomy

Communities set in a rural suburban climate

Conservative values blend with liberal ideals

 

A unique political platform

World famous for size and power

The most significant city in the world

Upstate and downstate, lifestyle with aspirations

 

Teens on the run since January

Days have passed since your birthday, calculate

The amount of time until your baby’s due date

The eastern part of what is now the United States

 

Surveillance showed them traveling

In a stolen red 2006 Toyota Tacoma

A firearm inside, cartridge gunpowder

 

Recovered in Georgia

Within walking distance of abandonment

Sitting on Radar Alarm Posts

Talking about jihad, holy war

Linguistic struggling and striving

 

Agents arrested him before he put

His alleged plot into action, articles telling him

How skeletons plot out a children’s picture book

Or seven-part epic series

 

He ostensibly tweeted, hatched a scheme

Similar to Hebdo at a key

Posts sympathizing with terrorists led

To blowing up the Capitol with pipe bombs

 

In panicked flight, they gunned down high school students

A specialized service catering to specific needs

Areas pre-determined with business questions

 

He prepared his partner, researched bomb-making

Purchased 600 rounds of ammunition

Smuggled turtles, grenades, meat cleavers and

Human skull fragments

 

A person must be sufficiently affected

There must be a case or controversy, injury in fact

Concrete relationships can be traced to independent relief